Parenting is as much about ethics as empathy…
Suddenly, in a moment of time, a mother becomes ‘supreme responsible person’ for her little one, newly born. The young child demands; the mother supplies. It was ever thus.
However, as the child develops, others have significant parts to play in the child’s wellbeing. Fathers/grandparents/carers, educators, and friends all can give significant input. Along with the mother, they can help to provide an adequate launch-pad for life.
With their rapidly developing and infinitely programmable brains, very young infants quickly and efficiently absorb what is going on around them. It is often said that children will ‘learn what they live’:
Fear not if your children don’t listen to you; but be concerned they are always watching you…
Thus, as role models, we try to take responsibility, for what we say and do, and certainly before we can insist that our children take responsibility for what they say, and do.
Children are alert to situations of honesty and dishonesty and will notice fairness and unfairness in behaviour. Quite early on, therefore, it is possible to encourage our little ones to engage, in simple ways, with the ethical dilemmas inherent in human relationships. This has nothing to do with the ‘virtue-signalling’ of the ‘curated’ life - so apparent these days on social media platforms - but about cultivating real ‘virtue’, true and deep. As they mature, young people will learn that connecting with the self in genuine ways is the bedrock of true connection with others.
I believe strongly that moral and spiritual wellbeing are the close cousins of emotionalwellbeing – which might be described as a state of being at ease with one’s own needs, feelings, and motivations, and that of others. Parents are, first and foremost, key to helping children with this – also encouraging them to take responsibility for what they do, and what they say, and, importantly, how this can impact on others. In summary - how youngsters can function as effectively and positively as possible in their world, not striving for perfection, but adequacy in the important dimensions of what it means to be human.
‘That’s all very well, but raising children is not about ideal worlds, but so often about just getting through the day with all its challenges and imperfections .…!’ Very true .... but ….
I’m reminded of an experience from years ago - of two mothers out for a walk together with their children. On the way back, the youngest in the group was getting restless. ‘Look what I’ve found in my pocket’, said one of the Mums, producing a small packet of sweets. Each of the five children in the group came over and took one. For a while, all went quiet, and progress was made towards home ....
However, one of the tired 3-year-olds asked for another sweetie. ‘I can’t give you one, as there are not enough left for everyone’, said the Mum, ‘so it wouldn’t be fair….’ At this, the youngster started crying, sat down on the path, and refused to move. The other mother, whose child it was, found herself wishing that her friend would relent .… after all, the other children were walking on ahead, so probably wouldn’t even notice .… This Mum naturally was empathising with her own tired youngster; also, perhaps she didn’t want the embarrassment of the situation developing into a tantrum. Thus, she found herself feeling resentful of her friend’s principled approach ….
I was the Mum who found it so very hard to think outside the ‘immediate’ situation to provide ‘tough love’ when it concerned my own needs and those of my child who wanted a second sweetie .…
Later, needing to raise my four youngsters as a lone parent, following early widowhood, I would often be in a state of uncertainty about what to do in this, or that, situation – and what might be likely to benefit my children longer- term, or otherwise ....
In her 1985 tale for children, ‘If you give a mouse a cookie’ (what will happen?)’, Laura Numeroff describes a ‘slippery slope’ situation. Her message is that there are alwaysconsequences for what we do, and the decisions we make.
As vulnerable humans ourselves, we can never be the perfect parents we would like to be. Having said that, what we say and what we do does impact on our little ones.
That’s why I think that parenting is as much about ethics, as empathy.
Dr Carole Ulanowsky (January, 2022)